This week has been extremely rough for me. Not rough in the sense that things have been continuously bad but my thoughts have begun to literally overwhelm me. I begin the mornings stressed out and go to sleep trying to force those thoughts away.
Sleeping is my only relief lately. But even then it kind of sucks because all these thoughts and questions run through my mind until I’m actually able to fall asleep. I really can’t help but worry about so many things.
I worry about my mom. Sometime I feel like she’s still so devastated about our current situation. I feel the need to constantly ask if she’s okay, how she’s feeling, if she needs anything. I worry about her the most. Sometimes I find myself crawling out of bed and walking to her bedroom just to make sure things are alright.
My dad, I worry about him too. We don’t get along in the best ways, but that’s my dad! Sometimes I feel like he over-exerts himself with work. Some days he’s gone all day and if I’m being honest, some days that he’s home, it still feels like he’s gone.
Aside from my parents, my siblings are one of my biggest concerns. We all are pretty emotional, despite how much or how little we show it. Some of us bottle it up, some of us can’t even keep our feelings together for longer than 10 minutes.
If I’m being honest, I worry about the mental health of us all. This situation is emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting. Thinking about our reality is sometimes crippling and makes me wish we could re-do certain moments in our lives.
If only we could’ve seen this beforehand. If only we would’ve seen the signs before things got bad. So many could’ves, should’ves, would’ves. I know I can’t change what happened and I guess that’s what kills me the most. I just wish things were normal again.